In my last relationship with a married man and his child, the bio-mom and I got along wonderfully!! It was really incredible. But in the relationship I am in now, the bio-mom wants nothing to do with us, and would be happier if we didn't exist at all. We try to do everything we can to encourage getting along, but to no avail. Now we just focus on the kiddo, as that is the most important thing anyway. And we do everything to make her life as peaceful as possible in regards to the divorce and having two families to contend with.
How about the rest of you? What is your experience? And how do you deal with it?
How about the rest of you? What is your experience? And how do you deal with it?
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SF Bay Area
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Sun, September 30, 2007 - 4:00 PMBio-mom has been extremely jealous and threatened from the get go. There was a time when we both tried to reach out but ultimately it was really obvious that it wasn't coming from a true place with her and she would only be "nice" when she was getting her way. I think that she has tried so hard to alienate her daughter from my husband because of me. I think that if I wasn't in the picture my husband would have been able to see his daughter more than he has in the past seven years. -
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Sun, September 30, 2007 - 4:30 PMI hear you there! My stepdaughter's bio-mom does the same thing. She acts very civil in public and around others, but you can tell she feels very different than how she is acting. It sounds like the bio-mom is very jealous of you. Its a bummer when there is nothing one can do to extend the olive branch and have it be well-received.
We keep on extending peace to her bio-mom, because even though she does not care, my stepdaughter sees it and does care! And if we are showing that we are trying, it shows my stepdaughter that we care about her well-being.
But inside, the whole thing just pisses me off. I wish that the bio-mom would just make nice for the sake of the kiddo.
What is one to do.... eh?
I think that what *will* pay off is what values and things you give your stepchild, so that as they grow up, they will have the ability to *see* the truth on their own.
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Sat, October 6, 2007 - 11:29 AMWow, I am really truly blessed...we get along great. It's important to get beyond pride, and realize you must have something in common with one another, probably a lot! It is much more productive and just plain right to get along..and the kids should NEVER have to be made to feel they have to pick where their loyalty lies..kids have big hearts with lots of room..the more love they receive the more they will give. Have patience and try to put yourself in their shoes..if it was your bio child, how would you feel about them being involved closely with someone who may have very different views on parenting and values..if it were me I would be very cautious and guarded. We have found as long as we focus on the boys first..all else falls into place. -
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Sat, October 6, 2007 - 4:54 PMMe and my stepdaughter's mom have VERY DIFFERENT views on life and religion and..just life in general... My stepdaughter has sometimes made me feel inferior when she was much younger. Her "real" mom was...and is...just sooooooo much cooler than I can be. I have a full time job and she doesn't work. Now, I'm not saying she isn't "cool". If I didn't have a mortgage and car payments, I'd be playing and doing what makes me happy. But...life didn't work out that way for me. Now, I see her having an internal epiphany. I don't know which way she will go...Her mom has lots of GREAT qualities too. I have lots of great qualities to offer as far as the "real world" has to offer. All I know to do is stay neutral and let her find her own path...any thoughts...suggestions -
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Sat, October 6, 2007 - 7:52 PMJust keep being you, and being a good role model. A very good friend of mine told me , that a parents job (or in our case step parents) is to do the best you can, mainly by being a good example and if after giving it your all and doing the best you can...things don't turn out how you expected, you did everything you could, and at that point the accountability has to lie with the child. Does that make sense?
Keep in mind, kids learn early to manipulate parents in split home situations doing just what you said..making you feel not cool, etc...BUT she probably does it to her mom in some ways to that you never hear about. ??? Maybe? One of the most fantastic things about being able to team up (and I know this takes 2 people to make it work) is that once the kids KNOW you and Mom are a "team" (you have open communication) they stop trying to pit you against eachother, and it won't happen overnight...your step daughter can learn a lot from you and mom both..it could be a good thing that she gets to see those differences if she can learn to appreciate the fact we are all unique..How old is she now?
All of our situations are so unique! Its hard to lump it all together! You sound like you are on the right track. -
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Tue, October 9, 2007 - 6:10 PMthanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. -
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 8:35 AMGotta chime in...can't help it..
Etta, you have been nothing but good to my daughter and I have no complaints...you've put up with her obstinacy on more than one occasion and I know you'll continue to do so..just as I do...
*happy tear*...I didn't know my daughter thought I was cool...I'm just...*sniff-sniff*...I need a tissue... -
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 11:31 AMIf I'm reading this correctly, you're the bio-mom and she's the stepmom of the same kiddo. Correct? And if you both seem to get along.... then that is the best tactic to make... work together!! In my prior relationship, the bio-mom and I were great friends and worked together to raise the child. It was great!! When everyone is a united front, and everyone is valuing how they contribute to her life with their individuality, then all goes MUCH better! The child responds well when everyone backs each other up, and values each other.
When you're not so lucky, and have a bio-mom who refuses to get along.... there's much more work to be done. Glad you both seem to get along! -
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 12:59 PMyes....ladies and gentlemen...that is the bio-mom. Sorry, Rebekah, for the vernacular. I just adopted the lingo being used. I would say we get along very well. Might even be hanging in the same circles were it not for her ex and my husband.
Rebekah, I hope you don't think I was trying to be negative about your daughter. I was just looking for validation of my feelings as step-mom. She's really a great kid compared to most of the others her age. -
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 1:30 PMGreat that you both get along. Sorry about the guys not doing the same! But at least you two do, and that's important! And that will make a difference.
The bio-mom of my stepdaughter wants *nothing* to do with us and would probably feel better if we were off the face of the planet. Which does not bode well for her daughter. Because of her spite, she is putting a rift in her and her daughter's relationship. It means a lot to kids that we can be grown-ups and suck it up and find a way to get along. Even better when it's joyfully done!
Kudos to you both! I wish I had a good relationship with the bio-mom, and that she didn't feel threatened by me. I'd much rather work together with her to raise the kiddo. Co-parenting is a must!
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Wed, October 10, 2007 - 9:36 PMNo, I didn't think you were trying to be negative...I'm the first to admit that she's difficult...she does it to me, too...crazy child...!!! That said, she can also be quite fun...and quite silly...it's all a matter of catching her on a good day, I guess...which she has once every second Tuesday of the week...*giggle*
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Thu, October 11, 2007 - 7:25 AMokay, you two are gonna make me cry. Love it! -
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Re: How does the bio-parent feel about you?
Thu, October 11, 2007 - 8:25 AMha ha...that made me laugh. And I'm even at work....still made me laugh!
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