They sound like they're lucky kids. You are right about being able to get along with the EXs. It can be a challenge when the grownups can't get along.

Hiya Catherine,

It sounds like a difficult situation. You have only been on the scene for a relitively short time. Blended families take years to develope and in your case it may not be the same as what I experienced.
My husband and I (we have been married for 3 years but lived together for 9 years before that) got together at the very onset to agree about the basic ground rules about how we interact with the kids. That basic plan has changed and evolved over the years but the basic tenet remained. Always present a united front. If you disagree with each other do so away from the kids because they WILL take advantage of that.

If your significant other (SO) has had a certain way of dealing with his kids over the years then there is little you will do to change that. You may, however, make it clear you have certain expectations.

First off, think back to when you were a teenager. It wasn’t that long ago. What were your expectations of your parents? How did you interact with them? Then think about how your friends interacted with their parents. That exercise may provide a little insight into how your step kids act.

You said they don't speak to you. Do you speak to them? Even when you don't get a response they do hear you. Ask them how they are or how their day went. Treat them the way you want to be treated and not how they treat you. Your S O may not “Discipline” the way you think he should but that does not excuse them from treating you and him with a certain amount of basic common courtesy. If they have never been taught common courtesy, then you should model it for them. Leave the decisions about when, where and how they go places and get there to their father. If you disagree let him know IN PRIVATE, and make sure you have a valid reason for thinking how you do. I have had instances where I was upset by something my husband said or did but on further self examination my reasons and arguments would not hold water. Look before you leap

Good luck and remember the 17yo in after all a ”short-timer” be patient, it’s a phase. Eventually they all grow up, or not. As your relationship grows so will your understanding of them. And after all is said and done, you do the right thing.

Sorry if I preached!!!