As time goes by I have come to the conclusion that dispite our best efforts and intentions things will turn out the way they turn out. Children grow up, family dynamics change and all the things we stressed about one year are irrelivent the next.
I became a step parent in 1992, some 15 years ago, I fretted and fussed, felt holier than thou and totally inferior, cursed and cried. And I don't know that any of it did any good or harm. I don't know if I would have done any differently either, knowing what I know now.
These are just some of my observations:
* The other parent isn't always as evil as we would like to believe.
* Sons and Step-dads tend to be rivals.
* Daughters and Step-Moms tend to be rivals.
* Dispite our best efforts we do make a difference.
* All these observations may be a crock of s^%* in your situation.
In the end it helps to remember the Golden Rule. Treat others as you WANT to be treated.
I became a step parent in 1992, some 15 years ago, I fretted and fussed, felt holier than thou and totally inferior, cursed and cried. And I don't know that any of it did any good or harm. I don't know if I would have done any differently either, knowing what I know now.
These are just some of my observations:
* The other parent isn't always as evil as we would like to believe.
* Sons and Step-dads tend to be rivals.
* Daughters and Step-Moms tend to be rivals.
* Dispite our best efforts we do make a difference.
* All these observations may be a crock of s^%* in your situation.
In the end it helps to remember the Golden Rule. Treat others as you WANT to be treated.
posted by:
|
-
Re: Some thoughts on Blended Families
Sun, February 11, 2007 - 10:01 PMThanks for your observations MamaLoca.
I've been a stepmom since 1998. My stepdaughter lived with my husband and I half of each week from the age of 18 months until she was 4 years old. Since then I've seen my stepdaughter be systematically and methodically alienated from her father, me, little brothers and extended family. The one point of yours that I have to disagree with is that the other parent isn't as bad as we think. In our case, I think she might be worse. I hope I'm wrong. -
-
Re: Some thoughts on Blended Families
Mon, February 12, 2007 - 6:21 AMLike I said
All these observations may be a crock of s^%* in your situation.
Hindsight is also 20/20.
Good luck. -
-
Re: Some thoughts on Blended Families
Mon, March 12, 2007 - 7:17 PMI am so glad I found this chat... I am recently a step-mom, and more recently a biological mom, and have been struggling with trying to learn how to parent in this situation. My step daughter is 4, and my son is 7 months. It's probably the most challenging thing I've ever done, and I appreciate all of your observations and comments. I'm just grateful to have someone to talk with about it, as I don't really have anyone locally yet in a similar situation to bounce things off of, and even as a new parent I can tell it isn't exactly the same as parenting with the "step". -
-
Re: Some thoughts on Blended Families
Tue, March 13, 2007 - 12:54 PMHi Sara and welcome to the tribe!
This tribe has been fabulous for me as well. Like you, I am a step-mom and newer bio mom. My own daughter is now 2 1/2 and 3 stepkids in their teens, all girls :) I love the girls beyond words but it can be challenging blending families. Things have gotten way better for me since I started getting along with their mother. Believe it or not, this has taken at least part of the world off my shoulders. I know many times this is not possible, but if it is- gosh, it helps so much. Their mom and I actually bonded about both liking belly dancing and she has been so supportive... I still can't believe it... but things are so much less complicated when we can at least talk like civil beings. It has also taken lots of pressure off my husband who no longer has to mediate fights :)
Just my two cents for the day. Best of luck with your situation and feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk further.
Rhonda
-
Re: Some thoughts on Blended Families
Thu, March 15, 2007 - 1:15 PMWelcome Sara, Don't hesitate to ask anything any time. We are all in different stages and have different experiences.
Like Electra said, it makes a world of difference if you can get along with the Ex. Some are luckier than others in that respect. I get along fine with the Ex, we aren't great friends but we are able to sit down over a cup of coffee to talk about things. She even babysat for my kids at one point I dropped hers and mine off in the morning and she put them all on the bus for me.
We all have had our ups and downs. Raising A family is hard enough but trying to Blend two into one can be a challenge. The rewards are well worth the effort. You are not alone -
-
Re: Some thoughts on Blended Families
Mon, March 26, 2007 - 10:14 AMWish I could get along with my hubby's ex. I have been a part of my stepkids lives for 10 years now. I have tried polite distance, being friends, and just being civil. The woman is just too threatend (needlessly so-her kids will always love her best) and too unstable to control her feelings. I now maintain a no-contact policy which was the only way to stop the verbal abuse and attacks. She even stalks me and my husband on-line. -
-
Re: Some thoughts on Blended Families
Mon, March 26, 2007 - 10:19 AM
Unfortunately for you and your family some folks are like this. Hopefully she will someday get some help with her issues before she alienates her kids like she has you.
My hubby's ex also has mental issues. She finally crossed the line with her son and he no longer has contact with her, that includes his wife and son. Her daughter stays in touch but she is slowly realizing how manipulative her mother is and keeps her distance as well.
-
-
Re: Some thoughts on Blended Families
Tue, March 27, 2007 - 10:26 AMUnfortunitly she is already starting to alienate her oldest son, and she is using the other kids to help her do so. It breaks my heart because he does love her- just not with the blind worshipful devotion that she demands. She says and does such hurtful things-and she lets her other kids think it's ok for them to do it to him to. He tries to say that he doesn't care what anybody thinks of him, but I see the hurt in his eyes when he tries to look away.
The kids live with us, so thankfully their exposure is limited, and I let them know that talking to their brother the way they do with their mom is unacceptable at our home.
I wonder if they realize when they join in with their mom in hurting their brother that they themselves could just as easily be in his place if they step out of line with her. They probably do, it may be why they do it since they don't seem to hate him when they are away from their mom.
Sigh- wish I could protect them from this better. -
-
Re: Some thoughts on Blended Families
Tue, March 27, 2007 - 10:37 AMThere are times, where I wouldn't mind us being more blended... Then I think about the kind of person that my step-daughters father is... and well... I'm grateful we aren't.. I just wish it didn't hurt the kiddo so much.
(we're an alternative family too boot.) -
-
This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: Some thoughts on Blended Families
Sat, July 28, 2007 - 9:47 PMI think the name of this tribe says it all,
"Not so wicked".
If more people could stop being so paranoid,
they'd realize no parent is really "evil".
If you are not having contact with a parent, than it's only going to hurt the kids.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
